Searching For A Spiritual Partner

For those of you who are currently searching for a spiritual partner, I have created a guideline to assist you and to help you go about in a Christ centered way.

1. First of all, above all else, before you even begin your search, PRAY about it. Pray and ask God if you are ready to take the next next step in looking for a spiritual partner. When you pray, ask for for God's to search YOUR heart to see what is the motivating factor for your search. Are you lonely or are you seeking someone to rescue you from a place of emotional or sexual neediness? Ask God for HIS discernment to reveal the secret motives of your heart, and ask HIM to guide you by HIS Spirit. This means not just being physically, or sexually attracted to someone (lust), or just having emotional chemistry, or any other feelings that are simply those of the flesh, rather than spirit led.
2. Secondly, PREPARE your own heart. This is huge and so critical. Many times we are searching for someone, while we ourselves are emotionally wounded; seeking another person to "save us" or complete, or to make us whole. Many people search for someone to fulfill them, when they need to seek fulfillment first from God, and realize who they are in Him. Often times, we see people seeking a mate out of their own neediness, thinking foolishly, that when they meet "Mr. or Mrs. Right;" that person will complete or fulfill them. WRONG! Two broken, fragmented people together, does not equal a whole, healthy, relationship. Whatever trauma, emotional, or physical wounds that have occurred in our past, (either from relationships or even carried over from childhood) that have not been completely healed, will become excess baggage & drama, and will eventually flair up in any future relationship in a negative way, causing heartache, pain and devastation. It is so critical for each individual to take a deep and thorough look at themselves, and search for for any areas of brokenness that has not been completely healed. Often, old wounds are so deeply hidden beneath the surface, and people never take the time to open up and examine the areas of brokenness, because they do not want to experience and face the pain associated with them. However, until we face them head on and deal with them, these old wounds will continue to fester deep within us until they create some devastating consequences. Getting to the root of our hurt, pain, and dysfunction and bringing it to the surface so that God can heal us of the pain, is the only way we will become whole enough and be spiritually healed so that we will be able to form a good, healthy, Christian relationship with someone new. If we do not address the core of our drama and excess baggage in our own individual lives, it will definitely create problems in any future relationships.
3. Thirdly, the next thing we need to do is PRIORITIZE. We cannot find the best spiritual partner until we sit down and write down what characteristics we are desiring in a partner. It's like setting off on a trip without a road map. It's very important to make a list of the characteristics and traits that you are specifically looking for in a mate. If you are not specific in the type of person you are looking for, you are more apt to quickly settle for someone out of desperation and neediness, not out of being focused on what traits God desires for someone to have in order for you to have an awesome, spiritually grounded partner. Make sure you do not settle or compromise on the most important, critical, & spiritual traits you desire in a mate, but also realize that there is no perfect human here on earth. The only perfect one, died on a cross two thousand years ago, to save us from our sins.
4. Fourthly, the next step is to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! If you have done the necessary work on preparing yourself, prioritizing what you are looking for, the next step is a big one; you have to make yourself available so that others will recognize that you are ready and receptive to receive love into your heart and life. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. A person of quality and of spiritual character will recognize if you are ready or not, and you will too. If you are in a constant state of prayer and spiritual discernment, it will become quite easy to weed out those people who do not meet your list of characteristics, or who are too emotionally needy or spiritually immature.
5. The fifth step is to PROTECT YOUR HEART. Be cautious, and be aware that there are many PREDATORS that will try to use, control, and manipulate you. Guard your heart and mind, and ask God for a hedge of PROTECTION to surround your heart and mind, to keep you safe.
6.  The sixth step is to PERSEVERE. Keep looking, keep networking, and let your best friends know that you are looking for someone. You never know when or where, that special someone will show up, so be ready and keep your eyes open for chance encounters that could possibly be a divine appointment, or serendipity!
7. The seventh step is PATIENCE. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Take your time, don't give up, and let time do it's work.
8. The eighth step is to PAY ATTENTION! If you sense something is off or not right in a relationship, be able to recognize a red flag when you see it, and don't think it is a circus or a parade. Listen to your gut, your heart, and mostly to discernment from God. If your heart says no, run away and don't look back, don't second guess yourself about what you are feeling. Don't question yourself, or feeling guilty for recognizing a red flag. Just let them go, period.
9. The ninth step is PRAY again and again and again! Never underestimate the power of prayer. Seek God's will in every relationship, and line it up according to the scripture. In order to have a true spiritual, God sent relationship, put God in the direct center of all you do. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Our hearts can be fickle, our emotions and feelings can be misguided, but when we allow everything and every relationship to be filtered through the lens of God's word, HE will direct our paths, plus HE will give us the desires of our hearts. Psalms 37:4
10. The tenth step is to ask for God's Peace. If you feel that God has sent you a Godly, spiritual partner, ask HIM for peace and confirmation that you are indeed in God's will. There is nothing sweeter than walking in God's will.
11. The eleventh step is to avidly seek God for HIS PERFECT WILL IN YOUR LIFE. Too many times we settle for less than what God's perfect will has in store for us. We desire something so desperately, that we justify it into being God's will for us. When we do this, we are simply acting in God's permissive will, NOT HIS PERFECT WILL FOR US! Oh, that we never settle, or compromise for anything less than God's Perfect will for us.
12. Finally the twelfth step is once we find that special spiritual partner, we should PRAISE GOD for providing them for us! Have a heart full of love and gratitude that we have sought God's will for us, and the payback will be PRICELESS!!

A New Year: Great Expectations?

This is a New Year; a time of new beginings, and for many of you, quite possibly, the year some of you may find a new relationship. So, with that in mind, let me just say that there are some of us single women, (such as myself) who desire a Godly man to build a strong, Christ centered relationship with.

My mind has recently been scrambled over how to seek out and find such Godly, Christian men. I admit, a made a quick dip into the "plenty of fish" dating pond, and a few others, only to realize, that all is not is as it appears in some of these men's profiles appearing on these sites. Hence my last three blogs about "plenty of fish." LOL!

Now, I have heard stories of how some women have found wonderful men on such sites, however, more often than not, I have also heard the most horrific stories as well of lies, deception, and other things too crazy to even mention here. I am sure that there are a few trustworthy and reliable Christian dating sites out there, but I have recently decided that perhaps the best thing for ME, is to just wait and allow God to send me a Godly man. Some people think I am crazy! "What! You expect God to just drop some man on your doorstep?" LOL!!! Well, maybe I am crazy, just saying. What I found was that I was spending precious time looking over numerous profiles,  and at the end of the day, I was exhausted, depressed, and felt like I had not only wasted a good bit of my time, but also energy and money as well, persuing the elusive butterfly of happiness.
I started thinking how I could have used all that time, money and energy in much more productive ways? Then I started seeing just how desparate and needy, I was begining to feel. The final straw was when I finally realized what my focus was on; and that was my desparation to find someone (other than God) to make me feel good about myself. Whoa!!! I had to REMIND MYSELF of this fact:

"I have great worth (value) apart from my performance, because Christ gave HIS life for ME, therefore, has imparted great value to me. " Also I needed to remind myself of this:
"I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, totally forgiven, accepted, and COMPLETE in CHRIST!"

Wow!! God loves me; unconditionally loves ME! If I am never in a relationship again, ( and I truly hope that's not the case) but if it does come to that; I need to rest, secure in HIS love for me and learn to to be content. So, that, my friends, is where I am today. I am not "broken" because I don't have a man; neither am I ugly, or have low self esteem. I am a beautiful, daughter of the King, and He knows my name, HE knows my heart, and I believe that He will send me the desires of my heart, and I won't have to grovel to find a good, Christian man, as long as my heart is focused on God.

This reminds me of a recent post by Bryan Totten, in which he said: "It is many people's expectation that you will one day meet someone who will suddenly fix your every hurt, give peace to your every trouble, and fill your heart with love. I'm sorry, but you will be disappointed. Only Jesus has that power."

Amen and Amen. So many women are wounded. Our hearts have been have been hurt and broken by past relationships. We have allowed someone to strip us of our color and personalities. We are depleted. We are searching for love in all the wrong places for all the wrong reasons. Once we find our true significence in Christ, and allow him to heal our wounded and broken hearts and fill us with HIS joy, then and only then, will we be ready to receive the love from someone here on earth.

So, at the beginging of this New Year, my expections are those of bettering myself; of drawing closer to God, of seeking HIS will for my life, listening to HIS voice and obedience to HIM. And if He so desires to send me a Godly, Christian man in the process, well, that would be okay too, but for right now, I am leaving the matchmaking up to Him!

As always I leave you: Sleepless in South Carolina. :)

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea; Part Three

Dear Readers;

I hope you have been following my three part series on "Plenty Of Fish In The Sea." If not, you can simply scroll down to view parts one and two. My initial post starting this blog, will be in the archives, listed in November.

As I mentioned in part one, as a young girl, I use to go fishing quite often with my dad, and then as an adult, I took my daughters fishing as well. I remember that there use to be a product that you would spray on the bait (whatever you were using) that would act as an enticement to attract the fish. I thought this was like some "miracle invention." LOL! As I was recently recalling this product in my mind, I started comparing it to what men and women use today in the dating world to "entice" or attract the opposite sex. This post may seem humorous, however, we all need to be very cautious and careful dating these days. I know that there are still plenty of fish in the sea; good people that are available to date; however, we also need to be on guard and take note of what type of bait they are using, (or the bait that we are using ourselves) before we get "reeled in" hook, line and sinker. Pun intended.

Men use various means (types of bait) to get a woman's attention. Probably, the most common is flattery. Yes, I admit, this is a weak area in my heart and I am sure in many women as well. We want to be complimented, we want to feel beautiful and attractive, we want to feel desirable. There is nothing wrong with our feeling this way, however, we first as women need to understand that our most highest worth and value should come from knowing how God loves, values, and sees us. We should look to HIM FIRST for our value, and realize that God loves us unconditionally, without exception, and that we matter to HIM, regardless of our dress size, our outer beauty, our personality, or anything else.

Be cautious when a man immediately uses various words of endearment, or heaps tons of compliments upon you when you do not even know each other yet. This is their enticement they are using on you, to reel you in. Maybe their motives are sincere, but a true man of integrity will take the time to get to know you, before they start calling you dearest, babe, beautiful, darling and so forth and so on. they may also be the "touchy feely" type; they cant wait to touch you, to hold your hand, or put their arm around you, or hug you. Be wary of this and how this makes you feel around them. ( you may be so needy and desperate that you forget about the red flags popping up in your mind, because you are desiring the attention) If you begin to feel uncomfortable by their actions, stand up for yourself, & set a verbal and physical boundary. If the man is sincere, he will honor your boundaries, and be willing to back off and show respect to you. Men will often times be quick bearers of gifts; jewelry, clothes, perfume, or talk about taking trips with you to somewhere grand. keep your eyes wise open, and remember, many times there is an ulterior motive behind the gift. Often, it is just a prelude to get you into bed with them. Yep, I said it! Now again, I know that not every man is like this, but believe me, there are many that are. Watch out for the "red flags" and when you see them, don't think that it is a parade or circus, and run right to it; but get away as quick as you can!
Now, for something quick and humorous  I have recently noticed. Ladies, if you go on the dating sites, just look at the men's profile names. Sometimes it is scary to think that any woman would respond to a man whose profile name is "Thumper." Get real, are we THAT stupid? And, what is the deal with one out of five profile pictures shows a Harley? Jeez, if we were in the market for a Harley, well, I think that we would be down at the local Harley Davidson dealership!

OK, now for the women: what type of bait are women using to reel a man in?
I am sure that we too, are guilty of using flattery as well. Do we drop remarks about how they are built, or the car they drive, or how good looking they are? Do we wear low cut, or much too revealing clothing, make touchy feely actions? Do we hug them, hang all over them, and want to cuddle up next to them, and then when they make an inappropriate gesture, we get flustered? Well, if we do any of the last few actions, we are asking for trouble with a capital "T." Men are men. They look, they have feelings, & emotions, and if we deliberately entice them using our bodies as "bait" then what should we expect out of them? Get real ladies! Don't be a tease and not expect to get taken advantage of. If women do that to men, then they are sending them mixed signals. It's no wonder men are confused when women are doing their little dances of enticement around them, and then get angry if they take it the wrong way. Women clean your acts up. Keep your "girls" under wraps! When a woman comes on to a man this way, she is asking for that man to view her as an object, and he will begin treating her as one, as well. Ladies, be Godly women! Don't be so desperate and needy! Don't use your bodies as bait, because if you do, you are on a slippery road that will lead to a pregnancy out of wedlock. Don't think for one moment that by getting pregnant, that you will reel a man in. The final "bait" women use as enticement is the "I want to take care of you" bait. (sometimes also used by men as well) Many women are nurturers by habit. We long to have someone to "take care of," so we may cook for them, coddle them, and mother them; these can all become types of bait, and enticement, that we use to lure them into a commitment. However, the more we do, the further they get from us, unless they are one of those men who are looking for a "mother" and a "purse," in which case run, and run fast. Women were made to raise children not grown men who are lazy and simply want an easy way out. Beware of men like these, they will use you until you are totally used up, and them drop you for the next one they can find to "mother" them.

So, if you are reading this post today, do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? Please be cautious in how you approach dating in the world today. Know that although there are still real men and women in the dating scene, there are also those who have a hidden motives, behind the flattery. Keep your eyes wide ope, and look for red flags; remember when you see them; it's not a parade or circus. 

Until next time, I remain;

Sleepless in South Carolina

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea: Part two

For those of you who are reading my blog for the very first time; I would appreciate it if you would go back and read my first post in November, so you will understand where my heart lies in writing this blog. This blog is not gender specific, and it is no way intended to bash anyone, nor discourage anyone who is ready to date again. In my last post, I spoke about all the "fish" in my life that had gotten away.

 Today, I would like to address another category of fish in the sea; those that are the "dangerous ones" that lie beneath the pretty, calm blue sea, in the deep murky depths. These are the predators that lie in wait; searching continuously for those who will become their prey. The predators seek out their "victims" carefully choosing the ones that appear to be the most vulnerable, needy, or desperate. I am sure that we all have encountered at least one of these "predators" in our lives. They are extremely dangerous; they are not only toxic, but have the ability to totally "snowball" us into believing that they are something good, when their motives are evil. If we are not careful and we "take their bate," we can put our emotional and physical lives at risk. They can strip us of everything that is good in our lives, weaken our walk with God, and take us on a journey to a place where we never had any intention of ever going to.   If we let our guard down, and not recognize them for who and what they are, they can consume us to the point where we feel completely dead, fearful, and insecure of being able to trust again. Now, I want to reiterate that not all "fish in the sea" are like that; however, not everyone out there in the dating land is what they appear to be, so beware, be cautious, and be ultimately careful when fishing in the dating pool or sea.

Here are a few of the predators that loom in the dark deep waters. First there are obviously the Sharks: usually they are the easiest the spot. Sharks are flashy, their fins rise high above the water, allowing us to recognize them as sharks. They swim around their prey, circling them, waiting for them to be isolated from the safety of being in a group of others, before going in for the kill. They are without mercy. Their one desire is to get what they want, with no regard at the least for their prey. Their appetite is deadly. You can easily recognize sharks in the dating field by their approach, by the words they use to entice you ( their bait) and by their constant need to get your attention through the wrong means. Sharks are usually pretty up front in their desires and express it in their conversations and actions. Their main goal is all about the physical connection (sex) and they will use flattery and endearments heaped up one on top of another, to get you to succumb to their charm. Beware of the sharks! When someone acts like a shark, swims like a shark, behaves like a shark, and you start to see red flags in regard to their actions and behavior, get out of the water, as quick as you can and get to safety immediately!

The next predator that is in the sea of fish, is the Stingray. Now stingrays usually don't attack people, so they may appear to not be a threat. Most of the time, it is safe to be around them, however, they can be deadly as well. Remember Steve Irwin, the alligator and snake chaser? He is the perfect example of what a stingray can do under certain circumstances. Stingrays in the dating world, do not appear dangerous like the sharks are; they come across non threatening, and seem to be safe to be around, however, given a little time, and the true colors of a stingray may start to appear. Little white lies, unexplainable actions or excuses. Red flags start showing up, so when they do, Pay Attention to them! Maya Angelou once said; people will show you their true colors, and when they do, believe them the first time; don't wait until the 25 time to believe them! Beware of the stingray, and don't be their next victim.

Finally, the last and maybe the least dangerous predator in the sea is the Jellyfish. They too, may appear to be safe to be in the water with, but watch out for their sting! Their danger lies in the fact that we get to the point where we feel safe around them. Then, something small happens, maybe they make a comment about our weight, or something else that is seemingly innocent. They may, start emotionally abuse us, but we defend them, brushing it aside, and not recognizing it for what it really is. Or, they may start controlling and subtly manipulating us in ways that once again seem so innocent at first, that we ignore them completely. Red flags, red flags, red flags! Be forewarned that this type of behavior is just a PREVIEW of what will soon come after, if we continue to stay in the water with a jellyfish.

So that, my dear readers, are my warnings about the predators that lie in the "Plenty of Fish Sea." Do you recognize any of them? I am sure that there are many good keep able fish in the sea, however, it behooves us to keep our guard up, and pay attention to the warning signs, red flags, especially when you start to see any of the behaviors mentioned above. Do not dismiss them, they are real. They are whispers coming up from your soul, warning you to get away, and get away quickly!

Keep coming back for more interesting tidbits about dating. This is a journey that we are all in together, and please feel free to leave any thoughts or comments you might have in the comment link below. Until next time, I remain,

"Sleepless in South Carolina."