Searching For A Spiritual Partner

For those of you who are currently searching for a spiritual partner, I have created a guideline to assist you and to help you go about in a Christ centered way.

1. First of all, above all else, before you even begin your search, PRAY about it. Pray and ask God if you are ready to take the next next step in looking for a spiritual partner. When you pray, ask for for God's to search YOUR heart to see what is the motivating factor for your search. Are you lonely or are you seeking someone to rescue you from a place of emotional or sexual neediness? Ask God for HIS discernment to reveal the secret motives of your heart, and ask HIM to guide you by HIS Spirit. This means not just being physically, or sexually attracted to someone (lust), or just having emotional chemistry, or any other feelings that are simply those of the flesh, rather than spirit led.
2. Secondly, PREPARE your own heart. This is huge and so critical. Many times we are searching for someone, while we ourselves are emotionally wounded; seeking another person to "save us" or complete, or to make us whole. Many people search for someone to fulfill them, when they need to seek fulfillment first from God, and realize who they are in Him. Often times, we see people seeking a mate out of their own neediness, thinking foolishly, that when they meet "Mr. or Mrs. Right;" that person will complete or fulfill them. WRONG! Two broken, fragmented people together, does not equal a whole, healthy, relationship. Whatever trauma, emotional, or physical wounds that have occurred in our past, (either from relationships or even carried over from childhood) that have not been completely healed, will become excess baggage & drama, and will eventually flair up in any future relationship in a negative way, causing heartache, pain and devastation. It is so critical for each individual to take a deep and thorough look at themselves, and search for for any areas of brokenness that has not been completely healed. Often, old wounds are so deeply hidden beneath the surface, and people never take the time to open up and examine the areas of brokenness, because they do not want to experience and face the pain associated with them. However, until we face them head on and deal with them, these old wounds will continue to fester deep within us until they create some devastating consequences. Getting to the root of our hurt, pain, and dysfunction and bringing it to the surface so that God can heal us of the pain, is the only way we will become whole enough and be spiritually healed so that we will be able to form a good, healthy, Christian relationship with someone new. If we do not address the core of our drama and excess baggage in our own individual lives, it will definitely create problems in any future relationships.
3. Thirdly, the next thing we need to do is PRIORITIZE. We cannot find the best spiritual partner until we sit down and write down what characteristics we are desiring in a partner. It's like setting off on a trip without a road map. It's very important to make a list of the characteristics and traits that you are specifically looking for in a mate. If you are not specific in the type of person you are looking for, you are more apt to quickly settle for someone out of desperation and neediness, not out of being focused on what traits God desires for someone to have in order for you to have an awesome, spiritually grounded partner. Make sure you do not settle or compromise on the most important, critical, & spiritual traits you desire in a mate, but also realize that there is no perfect human here on earth. The only perfect one, died on a cross two thousand years ago, to save us from our sins.
4. Fourthly, the next step is to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE! If you have done the necessary work on preparing yourself, prioritizing what you are looking for, the next step is a big one; you have to make yourself available so that others will recognize that you are ready and receptive to receive love into your heart and life. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time. A person of quality and of spiritual character will recognize if you are ready or not, and you will too. If you are in a constant state of prayer and spiritual discernment, it will become quite easy to weed out those people who do not meet your list of characteristics, or who are too emotionally needy or spiritually immature.
5. The fifth step is to PROTECT YOUR HEART. Be cautious, and be aware that there are many PREDATORS that will try to use, control, and manipulate you. Guard your heart and mind, and ask God for a hedge of PROTECTION to surround your heart and mind, to keep you safe.
6.  The sixth step is to PERSEVERE. Keep looking, keep networking, and let your best friends know that you are looking for someone. You never know when or where, that special someone will show up, so be ready and keep your eyes open for chance encounters that could possibly be a divine appointment, or serendipity!
7. The seventh step is PATIENCE. Anything worth having is worth waiting for. Take your time, don't give up, and let time do it's work.
8. The eighth step is to PAY ATTENTION! If you sense something is off or not right in a relationship, be able to recognize a red flag when you see it, and don't think it is a circus or a parade. Listen to your gut, your heart, and mostly to discernment from God. If your heart says no, run away and don't look back, don't second guess yourself about what you are feeling. Don't question yourself, or feeling guilty for recognizing a red flag. Just let them go, period.
9. The ninth step is PRAY again and again and again! Never underestimate the power of prayer. Seek God's will in every relationship, and line it up according to the scripture. In order to have a true spiritual, God sent relationship, put God in the direct center of all you do. Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, lean not unto thine own understanding, in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Our hearts can be fickle, our emotions and feelings can be misguided, but when we allow everything and every relationship to be filtered through the lens of God's word, HE will direct our paths, plus HE will give us the desires of our hearts. Psalms 37:4
10. The tenth step is to ask for God's Peace. If you feel that God has sent you a Godly, spiritual partner, ask HIM for peace and confirmation that you are indeed in God's will. There is nothing sweeter than walking in God's will.
11. The eleventh step is to avidly seek God for HIS PERFECT WILL IN YOUR LIFE. Too many times we settle for less than what God's perfect will has in store for us. We desire something so desperately, that we justify it into being God's will for us. When we do this, we are simply acting in God's permissive will, NOT HIS PERFECT WILL FOR US! Oh, that we never settle, or compromise for anything less than God's Perfect will for us.
12. Finally the twelfth step is once we find that special spiritual partner, we should PRAISE GOD for providing them for us! Have a heart full of love and gratitude that we have sought God's will for us, and the payback will be PRICELESS!!

Being Single Minded

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be single; especially being a  Christian Single, and the fact that I am a woman over 50. Well, THAT, narrows the odds considerably, in the "dating pool."

In all actuality, I have to admit that sometimes I am lonely, that I would like to be taken out to a movie or dinner, or just have the joy of receiving a bouquet of flowers or a sweet card; but then I look at the scripture and read the words of the Apostle Paul: "I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content."
                                                                      Philippians 4:11

Immediately I am convicted; why? First of all because I know where having thoughts like that can take me, and I do not want to have a pity party of one. I realize that even though, yes someday, I would like to meet a nice Christian gentleman, I have to be careful not to make that my main focus.

You see, I also realize how easily it would be for the enemy to take those simple, normal desires and spin them out of control, and get my mind completely off focusing on God and onto a desperate search for an earthly relationship. I know this because I've been there my friends, and saw how easy it was to slip into that mindset. Remember in the Bible where Jesus called Peter out of the boat, and asked Peter to walk out onto the water to him? As long as Peter kept his eyes fixed on Jesus, he was walking on the water, despite the storm and winds raging all around him!  However, immediately the moment that Peter took his eyes off Jesus, he began to sink.

I don't want to be like Peter in that respect. I recently set up profiles on some dating sites, and even paid for a month's subscription for one. Wow! What an eyeopener that was for me. First of all, it prompted me to write my previous posts about "Plenty of Fish in The Sea," and secondly, it made me realize how easy it was to lose my focus, to get "caught up" in the excitement of checking my email each day to see if I had a "wink" or a message from someone. It wasted a lot of my time, especially when the two men I eventually responded to, turned out to be not what they said they were. In fact, one was pretending to live in my city, when he was actually living thousands of miles away in another state, and everything he said to me was a lie. I believed it for a short time, but then when "red flags" showing up and I caught him in his lies and confronted him, I thought, gees, I've really been duped!

I haven't taken my profiles down from all the sites yet, ( I probably don't even remember my profile names and passwords) however, I blocked all emails from coming to my inbox, so that I would not be tempted to even go there again. Now just for the record, I have to admit that I have several friends who actually have found love on dating sites, but I have also heard numerous disaster stories as well. I have just chosen that at this time, I won't waste my time and energy going there.

I've decided that if God wants me to be in a Godly relationship with someone, that HE (God) will make it happen for me. Yeah, I know; some people think that is a totally crazy idea, as if God would literally bring somebody to my doorstep! However, I am in a place where I am choosing my focus to be totally on God, and that I am trusting him to decide if I should be in a relationship with someone. I am also reminded of these scriptures and God's promises to me.

Luke 12:31 "But rather seek ye the kingdom of God: and all these things shall be added unto you."

Psalms 37:4-5 "Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him, and he shall bring it to pass."

I am simply believing and trusting that if I put God first and foremost in my life, then he will take care of my personal needs and the desires of my heart. He created me; he knows me inside and out, and ultimately he knows what's best for me. Just like one of my favorite old hymns; "His Eye is On The Sparrow," if God's eye is on each and every sparrow, how much more is his eye on me, his daughter.

On a lighter note, maybe I should change the title of my blog, because, I am in reality, not losing sleep over being single; I rest in the peace that God is in total control of my life; even in my being single. :)

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea; Part Three

Dear Readers;

I hope you have been following my three part series on "Plenty Of Fish In The Sea." If not, you can simply scroll down to view parts one and two. My initial post starting this blog, will be in the archives, listed in November.

As I mentioned in part one, as a young girl, I use to go fishing quite often with my dad, and then as an adult, I took my daughters fishing as well. I remember that there use to be a product that you would spray on the bait (whatever you were using) that would act as an enticement to attract the fish. I thought this was like some "miracle invention." LOL! As I was recently recalling this product in my mind, I started comparing it to what men and women use today in the dating world to "entice" or attract the opposite sex. This post may seem humorous, however, we all need to be very cautious and careful dating these days. I know that there are still plenty of fish in the sea; good people that are available to date; however, we also need to be on guard and take note of what type of bait they are using, (or the bait that we are using ourselves) before we get "reeled in" hook, line and sinker. Pun intended.

Men use various means (types of bait) to get a woman's attention. Probably, the most common is flattery. Yes, I admit, this is a weak area in my heart and I am sure in many women as well. We want to be complimented, we want to feel beautiful and attractive, we want to feel desirable. There is nothing wrong with our feeling this way, however, we first as women need to understand that our most highest worth and value should come from knowing how God loves, values, and sees us. We should look to HIM FIRST for our value, and realize that God loves us unconditionally, without exception, and that we matter to HIM, regardless of our dress size, our outer beauty, our personality, or anything else.

Be cautious when a man immediately uses various words of endearment, or heaps tons of compliments upon you when you do not even know each other yet. This is their enticement they are using on you, to reel you in. Maybe their motives are sincere, but a true man of integrity will take the time to get to know you, before they start calling you dearest, babe, beautiful, darling and so forth and so on. they may also be the "touchy feely" type; they cant wait to touch you, to hold your hand, or put their arm around you, or hug you. Be wary of this and how this makes you feel around them. ( you may be so needy and desperate that you forget about the red flags popping up in your mind, because you are desiring the attention) If you begin to feel uncomfortable by their actions, stand up for yourself, & set a verbal and physical boundary. If the man is sincere, he will honor your boundaries, and be willing to back off and show respect to you. Men will often times be quick bearers of gifts; jewelry, clothes, perfume, or talk about taking trips with you to somewhere grand. keep your eyes wise open, and remember, many times there is an ulterior motive behind the gift. Often, it is just a prelude to get you into bed with them. Yep, I said it! Now again, I know that not every man is like this, but believe me, there are many that are. Watch out for the "red flags" and when you see them, don't think that it is a parade or circus, and run right to it; but get away as quick as you can!
Now, for something quick and humorous  I have recently noticed. Ladies, if you go on the dating sites, just look at the men's profile names. Sometimes it is scary to think that any woman would respond to a man whose profile name is "Thumper." Get real, are we THAT stupid? And, what is the deal with one out of five profile pictures shows a Harley? Jeez, if we were in the market for a Harley, well, I think that we would be down at the local Harley Davidson dealership!

OK, now for the women: what type of bait are women using to reel a man in?
I am sure that we too, are guilty of using flattery as well. Do we drop remarks about how they are built, or the car they drive, or how good looking they are? Do we wear low cut, or much too revealing clothing, make touchy feely actions? Do we hug them, hang all over them, and want to cuddle up next to them, and then when they make an inappropriate gesture, we get flustered? Well, if we do any of the last few actions, we are asking for trouble with a capital "T." Men are men. They look, they have feelings, & emotions, and if we deliberately entice them using our bodies as "bait" then what should we expect out of them? Get real ladies! Don't be a tease and not expect to get taken advantage of. If women do that to men, then they are sending them mixed signals. It's no wonder men are confused when women are doing their little dances of enticement around them, and then get angry if they take it the wrong way. Women clean your acts up. Keep your "girls" under wraps! When a woman comes on to a man this way, she is asking for that man to view her as an object, and he will begin treating her as one, as well. Ladies, be Godly women! Don't be so desperate and needy! Don't use your bodies as bait, because if you do, you are on a slippery road that will lead to a pregnancy out of wedlock. Don't think for one moment that by getting pregnant, that you will reel a man in. The final "bait" women use as enticement is the "I want to take care of you" bait. (sometimes also used by men as well) Many women are nurturers by habit. We long to have someone to "take care of," so we may cook for them, coddle them, and mother them; these can all become types of bait, and enticement, that we use to lure them into a commitment. However, the more we do, the further they get from us, unless they are one of those men who are looking for a "mother" and a "purse," in which case run, and run fast. Women were made to raise children not grown men who are lazy and simply want an easy way out. Beware of men like these, they will use you until you are totally used up, and them drop you for the next one they can find to "mother" them.

So, if you are reading this post today, do you recognize yourself in any of the above scenarios? Please be cautious in how you approach dating in the world today. Know that although there are still real men and women in the dating scene, there are also those who have a hidden motives, behind the flattery. Keep your eyes wide ope, and look for red flags; remember when you see them; it's not a parade or circus. 

Until next time, I remain;

Sleepless in South Carolina

Single, Again......

Welcome to my first post at Sleepless in South Carolina:

Being a single woman today is not easy by no respect; add to that I am a woman in her fifties, a devout Christian, curvy, who does not want to be any body's mother (or purse) and that complicates the situation even further.

I could write a song, based on the old tune, "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" and re title it: "Where Have All The Good Men Gone?" LOL!  Seriously, for all those single women today who are looking for just ONE good man, well, the pickings seem slim to none. Either they live a gazillion miles away, or they don't even exist.

Now just to make an instant clarification: this blog is not intended to bash men. But facts are facts. I am just calling it as I see it it. What I hope to do with this blog is to encourage my single friends that there is hope, even if we don't see or feel it right now. I want to give you a reason to smile and laugh now and then, and to realize that there are many of us out there in the same position. We are not desperate: we are choosy and have earned the right to be so. We have been hurt, wounded, manipulated and some even emotionally ( or even physically, thankfully, I was not) abused.

 But please let me reiterate for the record: ALL MEN ARE NOT LIKE THAT. That, my dear readers is my disclaimer; so if any men do happen to casually be reading this, I am giving the good ones credit where credit is due. I just don't know where there you are!

So, to set the record straight; I know what my problem has been. I  will be brutally honest with you. I have a "broken picker." I don't choose wisely. I get impatient, I get desperate, Yep. Because Of my codependency, I ignore ALL the red flags that I see, because I, in my stupidity, think I can fix them (NOT happening) or save them from "whatever," or the best one of all, drum roll please; I stupidly think that I can love them enough to change them OR they will love Me enough to change for me. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!

OK, that's probably enough for my first post. Hang with me though, there is much more to come. Please feel free to post your thoughts and comments, be good and clean, no profanity please, and no bashing. Love to all of you on this journey.

Until next time, I remain;

Sleepless In South Carolina